Falling Down

There are songs that move from words and there are songs that move just from the music. Lately I have been unable to release one song from my mind and that song it the title of this entry. For the most part I have nothing to relate to in this song but it just stirs so much emotion for some reason. Recently I had a conversation with two people that I work with about depression and the different levels of it, through that conversation I think that I am at a point that I am depressed. Not the kind that I need medicine or any kind of help, but the kind that is just sad. I know that things around me are changing and that my own life is changing and that is HARD! I want to go home, I want to pack up everything and go where I am loved and cared for by friends that have known me for 9 years. I want to go where I can have and do have real friendships with guys that know me and care for me that I can only appreciate now looking into that place. I don't say this saying that I don't have this here in Virginia but its not the same or anywhere near the level that I have there.

Over the past few months I have been able to sit back and examine where I'm at and where I want to be. I have had people tell me to stay and others say go. I am so confused and worried sometimes and then others I am totally fine where I'm at, I just don't get it!!!
I sit and I talk to my dad and share where I'm at and where our relationship has been for the past 23 years and hear him be open and loving and PROUD of me for the first time in a raw form and I know he loves me. I will never really be able to articulate that night to anyone and the impact that it is having right now, but I know that it will never leave my memories!

I know that this job is not where I want to be forever but I don't know what to do. I have investigated and searched wisdom from those who are older about the path that I can take and it is scary because I don't know if I can do it. I came to the realization that this was what was holding me back tonight when I was talking to my friend Matt. I'm not afraid of school or moving, but of failure to live and provide for myself in that process. I have been given two parents that love me in two completely different ways and would do anything for me but I don't want that right now. I WANT TO BE FREE. I don't know what that means right now but I know that at the end of the day I am tired of thinking of wondering of longing for more. Its the process of discovery that haunts me now and that's fine, it doesn't control me but it is on my mind always. My roommate Joel put it best, "who knows where we will be in a year." Its so true and all I can do is wait and be productive while being patient in my pursuit of where I am being guided and TRY not to fall down as I go!

"SO DIRECTIONLESS, I HEAD INTO OBLIVION"
(THIS IS MY FEAR)