2 Years Later

So here we are two years later and I am realizing how much I need to get "back on the horse" when it comes to this blog! A lot has happened over the past two years that has continued to shape and form who I am and where I am at. The past two weeks have possibly been two of the more interesting periods though as I have been challenged in my communication, or lack there of. Im not sure what to do with this as I see the truth but I cant quite rap my head around why I am in this place right now. I know that I have not always communicated well but over the past three years it was one area that I tried to rest in knowing that there may be crap going on but I can at least talk about it and get it out or I can express cares and fears openly. As I sit here right now I know that this is not true of myself right now. When did this change? Why did it change? How do I get back to where I was? These are the questions that have been running through my head and that I get frustrated of because I don't have an answer.

I want to love well and right now I am not!

Falling Down

There are songs that move from words and there are songs that move just from the music. Lately I have been unable to release one song from my mind and that song it the title of this entry. For the most part I have nothing to relate to in this song but it just stirs so much emotion for some reason. Recently I had a conversation with two people that I work with about depression and the different levels of it, through that conversation I think that I am at a point that I am depressed. Not the kind that I need medicine or any kind of help, but the kind that is just sad. I know that things around me are changing and that my own life is changing and that is HARD! I want to go home, I want to pack up everything and go where I am loved and cared for by friends that have known me for 9 years. I want to go where I can have and do have real friendships with guys that know me and care for me that I can only appreciate now looking into that place. I don't say this saying that I don't have this here in Virginia but its not the same or anywhere near the level that I have there.

Over the past few months I have been able to sit back and examine where I'm at and where I want to be. I have had people tell me to stay and others say go. I am so confused and worried sometimes and then others I am totally fine where I'm at, I just don't get it!!!
I sit and I talk to my dad and share where I'm at and where our relationship has been for the past 23 years and hear him be open and loving and PROUD of me for the first time in a raw form and I know he loves me. I will never really be able to articulate that night to anyone and the impact that it is having right now, but I know that it will never leave my memories!

I know that this job is not where I want to be forever but I don't know what to do. I have investigated and searched wisdom from those who are older about the path that I can take and it is scary because I don't know if I can do it. I came to the realization that this was what was holding me back tonight when I was talking to my friend Matt. I'm not afraid of school or moving, but of failure to live and provide for myself in that process. I have been given two parents that love me in two completely different ways and would do anything for me but I don't want that right now. I WANT TO BE FREE. I don't know what that means right now but I know that at the end of the day I am tired of thinking of wondering of longing for more. Its the process of discovery that haunts me now and that's fine, it doesn't control me but it is on my mind always. My roommate Joel put it best, "who knows where we will be in a year." Its so true and all I can do is wait and be productive while being patient in my pursuit of where I am being guided and TRY not to fall down as I go!

"SO DIRECTIONLESS, I HEAD INTO OBLIVION"
(THIS IS MY FEAR)

Better in Time

As I sit and reflect on the days since I last posted my life a lot comes to mind. Over the past two weeks I have been dealing with a desire for the past. Through this though I have been asked some hard questions about this subject and others. At the end of the day I want whats best for others. I want them to be happy, to be pointed and lead and pursued. All of these things have caused me to think twice, to step back and ask why. Why am I back at this point? Why can I just not let go? Why did I not stand strong and fight for it instead of comparing to something completely different and wishing that it was similar? I don't have the answers to these questions but I am seeking them. All that I can do now is know that it WILL be better in time and that I must be patient and wait.
While remaining patient is one of my greatest struggles, the Lord has been answering prayers throughout my life as I have waited. My roommate and I are going to start being intentional about life! I cannot even begin to tell you how excited this makes me as all that I have wanted since I have been in Virginia is to go deep with I guy that I share life with. I know that this will be hard at times but I also know how great it will be to be challenged and prayed for and loved by someone that I see everyday.
I am so excited for the Fall! Even though there are so many unknowns in my life right now the gifts that I have been given for the year ahead make me feel just a little more steady. I don't know what is going to happen, but I am excited and ready to find the path that I am searching and waiting to follow.

357 Miles

357 miles, that is all that separates two different lives that I have experienced. This past weekend I went back to Lexington KY for a wedding and had a blast! It was bitter sweet though as I remembered all the reasons that I love the place that I called home for three years. It was amazing to be back and see friends that I lead in high school as a Young Life leader that I can now call true friends and know that it is way more than me being their leader. I also got to see friends from college that I haven't gotten to see or talk with much since I moved. Now, the hard part about this is that I love these people, we have laughed, cried, and everything in between together. As I caught up with people at the wedding reception I got a lot of questions about what I was going to be doing and if I was ever going to move back. Though it was hard I answered these questions with the answers that I know now which was maybe in a year. As I continue to figure out my place in property staff and if it fits the gifts that God has given me I have thought more and more about other directions. I will be patient and prayerful for the next year and see were the Lord is leading my heart. Lexington VA or Lexington KY or anywhere else will only come on His guidance.

Live Your Life

In the past few weeks I have been pushed and challenged to be who I am and where I am. My life is not crazy, its not sad, but it is hard. I have an amazing community around me that in their own ways push me to be better and try to live life with me. While this is one of the better parts of living here, it always has not been that way. I also have experienced the same situation with my job. I love my job...well maybe just Friday and Saturday and May through August. This is a work in progress though, one year later and I have learned a lot, I don't have know where I am going and that's okay. One thing that a great friend reminded me of that has helped with this is my impatience. As I sit here and think about many decisions that I have made, a lot of them came from my lack of patience. When it comes down to this community and my job I DO NOT want to have this impatience anymore! I am done, I am giving and waiting faithfully for guidance and support. I may not have it all figured out, but one thing I do know is that I live here, this is my life and I need to live it hear and now!

You're gonna be a shining star, fancy clothes, fancy car-ars.
And then you'll see, you're gonna go far.
Cause everyone knows, who you are-are.
So live your life, ay ay ay.
Instead of chasing that paper.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Ain't got no time for no haters
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
No telling where it'll take you.
Just live your life (Oh!), ay ay ay.
Cause I'm a paper chaser.
Just living my life.